If I was being honest, this is what my resume would actually say..
Energetic 20-something with big plans but no way to make those plans happen, so please hire her so she will be able to afford all of the things she wants to do while actually working as little as possible.
High School - Class of 2008
Academic Honors Diploma
Graduated with honors because that's when she thought high school class work mattered.
College - Class of "Never graduating ever because I've changed my major too many times"
Still working on her degree because she's blown through 5 different majors without actually completing one of them because she's incapable of making a decision that will determine the rest of her life.
Daycare - 7ish years
She can change a diaper in record time AND is a pro at making bottles with one hand. She is also knowledgeable in Dr. Seuss and baby sign language.
Ice Cream Shoppe - 4 years
She can scoop ice cream, make sundaes, chop bananas, and make change for a 5 dollar bill quickly. She's also hoping these will be marketable skills one day, but she's not holding her breath.
Department Store - 4 months
She was thrust into the "home" department and she used to read the boxes on the blenders to pass the time, so she's hoping this will come in handy too. She's also really good at forgetting her cash register login number and needing a supervisor to remind her every single shift.
College Athletics - 5 years
She can be in a large group of guys without wanting to shoot them all. She knows random facts about sports that she's hoping might be helpful. She's also good at ass-kissing her boss so he doesn't throw a temper tantrum when they're one water bottle short.
Typing fast, speed mopping, dodging football players, coloring, scooping perfect ice cream balls, an giving the illusion that she's doing a lot without actually doing a lot.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Okay, so most of that isn't true either. But some of it is. I'll leave it to your imagination.
Now I'm going to work on my real resume with real cover letters because I don't think I can send this one to anyone..