Wednesday, May 22, 2013

My Resume

As you may or may not know, I've been spending a lot of time on my resume lately. And I just feel like a resume is a big fat lie. No one really puts the truth on those things. Oh, I'm sure some of it's true, but I'm sure most of it is one of those situations where technically it's the truth, but it's about as close to a lie as you can get without actually lying.

If I was being honest, this is what my resume would actually say..


Energetic 20-something with big plans but no way to make those plans happen, so please hire her so she will be able to afford all of the things she wants to do while actually working as little as possible.


High School - Class of 2008
Academic Honors Diploma
Graduated with honors because that's when she thought high school class work mattered.

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College - Class of "Never graduating ever because I've changed my major too many times"
Still working on her degree because she's blown through 5 different majors without actually completing one of them because she's incapable of making a decision that will determine the rest of her life.


Daycare - 7ish years
She can change a diaper in record time AND is a pro at making bottles with one hand. She is also knowledgeable in Dr. Seuss and baby sign language.

 photo resume1_zps8fd901fe.jpg

Ice Cream Shoppe - 4 years
She can scoop ice cream, make sundaes, chop bananas, and make change for a 5 dollar bill quickly. She's also hoping these will be marketable skills one day, but she's not holding her breath.

 photo resume2_zps6e1e342e.jpg

Department Store - 4 months
She was thrust into the "home" department and she used to read the boxes on the blenders to pass the time, so she's hoping this will come in handy too. She's also really good at forgetting her cash register login number and needing a supervisor to remind her every single shift.

College Athletics - 5 years
She can be in a large group of guys without wanting to shoot them all. She knows random facts about sports that she's hoping might be helpful. She's also good at ass-kissing her boss so he doesn't throw a temper tantrum when they're one water bottle short.

 photo resume1_zps7c8c7ab1.jpg


Typing fast, speed mopping, dodging football players, coloring, scooping perfect ice cream balls, an giving the illusion that she's doing a lot without actually doing a lot. 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Okay, so most of that isn't true either. But some of it is. I'll leave it to your imagination.

Now I'm going to work on my real resume with real cover letters because I don't think I can send this one to anyone..

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  1. haha this is funny! I'm not sure what my resume would say if I was completely honest haha

  2. Speed mopping? That seems like quite the useful skill to be honest with you. You can speed mop my apartment any day you would like!

  3. I totally worked at an ice cream shop too. Best 2 years of my working life lol.
    I've gotten pretty good at giving the illusion of doing a lot without actually doing a lot. Its a great skill to have.
    Love your honest resume!

  4. AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. But I've sent so many cover letters and resumes out in the past few years, it really is both an art and a science. I always get recruited by friends as the unofficial cover letter guru! Happy to help if ya need it :)

  5. LOVE this. But honestly, I've had multiple bosses tell me (and I tell my interns) you can train anyone to do anything, as long as they're inquisitive, have some common sense, and you don't want to hit them. So some of your skills are WAY more important than the "things" you've done :)


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