I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat it.
It's not that I'm having a bad day, I'd even go so far as to say I've had a good day. That doesn't stop me from being stressed, however.
I meant to post earlier this morning, but I had other things I needed to get done first, so I kept putting it off. Then earlier tonight I sat down to write a post and just stared at the screen. Stressing about all of that blank, white space that I was going to have to fill up. Then I was immediately annoyed that I felt like I "had" to write a post. I don't. This blog is for me. I don't make money off of it (big props to those who do, i'm a jealous, jealous girl) so I have no obligations. I have plenty to write about, that's not the problem either. The problem is that I'm stressed and I don't want to talk about my short comings. But that's what I feel like writing about. I'm a big bunch of contradictions. Welcome to my life.
So today, instead of filling the post with pictures like I usually do, I'm just going to write. Feel free to stop reading, starting now.
I think my problem is that a few weeks ago I turned 23. I know that's not old. But I can also vividly remember my 18 year old self thinking I'd have my life together by 23. How naive was I?
|18 year old self.. dear lord|
Things don't always go as we plan them to. Plans change, people change, life changes. I'm glad I didn't stick with the plans my 18 year old self had made. However, I wish I had actually replaced those plans with more plans. Instead I just kind of.. stayed. In a lot of ways I feel like I got lazy. I wouldn't say I'm a lazy person, at all. I'm a workaholic for goodness sakes, I'm not lazy. But as far as my life goals go, I've always had some, sure. But I haven't done everything I should've done to accomplish those goals. I lost site of the long-term.
So, I've been carrying around a notebook and pen all day today. Writing things. Making lists. Lists are like my baby blanket. I cling to them when I need comfort. I make them for everything. I just like seeing everything written out.
Some of the lists included..
New majors for myself. Time to change this school thing. Time to get something accomplished. Time to think long-term.
New manageable cleaning schedule for my apt. Time to stay on top of it, so I'm not
New financial management list. Time to save that cash money.
New meals I want to try. I'm sick of making chicken and veggies.
New exercise schedule. I need to find something that actually works for ME. Something I will stick to. Something manageable.
New and updated lists of DIY projects I want to do. Soon.
The last list I made was my most important. Goals. Big life goals. Ultimate goals. But I didn't stop there. This time, I made "sub-goals". Little goals to complete on my way to my big goals.
Ya see, I'm just overwhelmed. I have so much I want to do and I have for a long time now. Years. I have bigger goals than I sometimes think possible. Some of my goals might not ever get accomplished. I know that, and I guess I accept that as a likely outcome. I just don't want to focus on that.
I have big dreams, a big heart, and a big pant size. That's me. That's where I'm at today.
A year from today? Let's talk again. Because a year from today I'm gonna be a lot closer to the person I want to be the rest of my life.