Next week I'm turning 24 and while I firmly believe that 23 was one of those not-so-good years for me, I also think I've grown a lot personally. I spent 23 learning about myself and really being honest with myself about who I am and who I want to be. There were many nights I worked myself into a blubbering mess and many nights I went to bed in a not-so-good head space. But, I also had many come to Jesus moments and many moments of personal growth.
Something that's been on my mind that last few months is my dieting. I sat down with myself recently (ish) and had a good and honest chat with myself.
"Self, why do my diets always fail?" Well..
Five reasons my diets always fail
1. Carbs. I like carbs. All the carbs, all the time. Mac-n-cheese is my favorite meal in the world. Pasta and Italian foods are second on that list, followed by rice and Mexican foods. Do you know what doesn't help you lost weight? Carbs. I have food issues, probably an addiction of some kind to my favorite carbs. It's a real problem when I'm trying to cut carbs, because suddenly I want nothing except mac-n-cheese or spaghetti or cheesy rice. Carbs, carbs, carbs.
2. I'm impatient. I don't think anyone in my life realizes how much I struggle with this. It got much worse when I graduated high school and went to college. Some people deal with anxiety or depression, I deal with my patience. I have all of the patience in the world when it's someone else. I can stay very calm, cool, and collected and handle anything with the grace of Princess Kate. I have no patience with myself. It's a very real problem that I very much deal with every single day. In regards to my diets or my weightloss, I know that things take time. It took time to put the weight on and it'll take time to get rid of it. It'll take time to completely change my lifestyle. I know this, but I'm impatient. When I don't see immediate results, I get frustrated. When I get frustrated, I give up.
3. Fail to plan, plan to fail. I'm a listmaker and a planner. I cling to those 2 things like gosh darn baby blankets. It's a huge reason why "be spontaneous" is always on my monthly goal lists, because it's something I need to work on. Weeks when I plan things out really well and plan out my workouts and meal plan and food prep - those are the best weeks. Because by Wednesday, I'm tired and over it. So if I don't have a plan and a meal ready or prepped, then I'm eating something not healthy.
4. I lie to myself. I don't come close to lying to anyone as much as I lie to myself. Again, something I'm working on, but it still happens. Usually in the form of excuses. When I miss an AM workout I'll tell myself that I'll workout later in the afternoon, but I know this is a lie. When I eat mac-n-cheese, I'll tell myself this is my cheat meal for the week. Lie.
5. The mental.
I haven't been "skinny" since I was in 3rd grade. Looking back, I wasn't as over weight as I thought I was in my head. Gosh, it honestly makes me cry for the girl I was in junior high and high school. It is unreal how low my self esteem was regarding my body image. Oh the things I would tell my 14 year old self and my 17 year old self. The things I would tell her. I'm crying right now typing this.
I think the number one reason I always fail my "diets" is because I can't get past the mental block I've put in my head. Years and years of a poor body image and years and years of tearing myself down, more than anyone else ever did, has taken it's toll on me. I was/am my own worst critic.
It's really hard to put it all into words for this blog, because it's something I'm just now realizing and discovering about myself. It's something I've been silently struggling with for so long that I just can't put it all into words just yet. And putting it all out there is not something I'm comfortable with, but good things happen outside of your comfort zone. So here we go.
So where does this leave me now?
I don't know.
But I'm working on it.